A Snake! A Snake!

Dear M.,

I know you don't like those creepy, crawling reptiles. Every time we're watching NatGeo or Discovery and a snake is featured you give a little shutter and scrunch up your face.

I personally have always kinda liked snakes. Where I grew up we had these really cute bright green grass snakes. They were itty bitty and I would catch them and let them curl around my finger like a ring. They don't have any teethies, but these little buggers would open their mouths are me like they had the most ferocious fangs in there. They were probably this variety:

Photo by Dave Angell

Smooth Green Grass Snake

(Opheodrys vernalis)

Smooth green snakes, also known as green grass snakes, are bright green with a white chin and belly. Their long narrow mouths give them a smiling appearance.: They are gentle snakes and have not been known to bite or defend themselves when handled.
These snakes are seldom seen due to their camouflage which blends in with their grassy habitat.
Smooth green snakes feed on grasshoppers, caterpillars, spiders, insects and earthworms.

I don't know about the "...have not been known to ...defend themselves when handled." Sure seemed like the ones I caught were pretty pissed off and at least wished they had scary fangs and that menacingly jabbing their heads at me would make me see those imaginary fangs...

Anyway, even though I do not share your fear and dislike of snakes, it seems the people over at Mental Floss have found some good reasons for Indiana Jones (and you) to be scared of them. I remember watching something about the Australia invasion on one of those nature stations. maybe you want to move to Ireland? There are no snakes there...

I miss those little green grass snakes. Maybe I can catch one when I go visiting in June. Think they'll let me board a plane with one? Maybe if we purchase a seat for the little guy? He could be your newest best friend!

Oh well, love ya anyway!

Love,
LilSeed

OfficeView Pro 3.11 - A reality check?

At our office we use spiffy nifty little program called OfficeView Pro 3.11 to help determine if people are in the office, and if they are in, are they available to take calls, answer questions, help others, bitch at, nag, etc.

OfficeView could also be used as a reality check for what is happening in our office over the past few months - we're shrinking. And no, it's not because of all the rain. Silly readers, our office does not melt like the Wicked Witch of the West. It's due to the dreaded downsizing.

When I started working here about 4 years ago, all the employees had offices on the first floor and all the employees' names fit on the OfficeView display without having to resize or scroll. Oh, the simplicity of popping that thing up and getting everyone's status at a glance! But then we started growing and rapidly over the next 2 years OfficeView became a monster and you had to do all sorts of resizing and scrolling to be able to see what everyone was up to. Oh the scrolling created so much work!

But then our business took a huge nosedive and we had to financially scale back. This meant people lost their jobs. In once case, a person who had been here about 6-7 years lost her job and I think she took it as a betrayal... In any case, we were now shrinking. OfficeView once again because manageable, but at the same time it is sort of depressing. Now we long again for the days of resizing and scrolling.

Also, if you take a look at today's OfficeView display below, you will see even in our depleted state, we have only about half of the employees in at 10:30am. Belch! I want to set my OfficeView status to 'In, But Unavailable.' I want this to be my status forevermore - but then where would annoying 'I registered my cell phone!' get all her information? Who would she bother? Actually, I would like to permanently set myself as 'Out,' but then would the entire agency implode? One wonders....

To M.

Dear M.,

You're going to Radiohead!! Can you believe after all these years waiting for them to tour again that you've actually got tickets to see them?

I remember trying to get you tickets several years ago when they played in Atlanta (can it be that we've been married long enough for me to say 'several years?!') I even had your cousin trying to help me get those darn tickets and it just didn't work out. But this time? This time we have two confirmed seats for the concert!

You owe me (snark, snark, snark). I guess you going with me on July 19th will be compensation... Well, I'm off to request the day after the concert off so we aren't dead on our feet the next day. See you for lunch!

XOXOXOX

Love,
LilSeed

PS - SHMILY!

Self-Diagnosis: NPD

Dear Everyone Who Knows Me In Real Life:

How many of you think of me as a nice person? Go ahead, raise your hands... hmmm... I have a confession for you if you raised your hand - you're wrong. I've been thinking about myself today (which will feed into this entire letter/post), and I figured something out. I may like to do nice things, but why do I do them? Mainly because I enjoy the attention it brings me.

I have a limited store of "nice." This is because I can only do so many nice things and then it gets old to me and the store has to refill. Being nice is exhausting to me. It uses a lot of my energy. I am not a naturally nice person, I have to work at it. That's why this is the Snark Chronicles and not the Miss Nicey Pants Chronicles.

I decided to do a little self analysis. I've self diagnosed myself as having "Narcissistic Personality Disorder," or NPD. The all-knowing Wikipedia give the following definition of NPD

a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy

A subject has to fit at least 5 of 9 indicators to have NPD. Any guesses which 6 I attribute to myself? M. could probably guess with good accuracy. Also, NPD afflicts about 1% of the general population - awesome possum! I'm in an elite group!

Oh, and just FYI - I have a bit of "nice" right now. Any takers? It won't last long...

Yours Truly,
LilSeed

PS - I am quietly adoring myself in my office today, please do not stop by and interrupt me. Thank you.

Get ready for dinner parties and sexy beards

Who missed me? Oh, you didn't notice I didn't post over the weekend? Maybe you didn't miss me. That's okay. I spent the weekend sleeping off cramps and steam cleaning my living room floor. M. is the official picker upper of wet cat hair the steam cleaner sucks up and deposits on the top of the carpet. We could probably make a new kitten out of the amount of hair that thing sucks up. Now doesn't that sounds like a weekend in heaven?

This post once a day for a whole month thing (NaBloPoMo) is kicking my butt this month. Workdays, easy peasy. Who wouldn't rather post than work? Weekends? Sleeping usually sounds better than posting. It's probably because most of my material comes from the office. Oh, that reminds me, The Office is back this week with an all new episode!! Get ready for Michael and Jan's dinner party. Dwight was not invited... Also, who thinks Ryan looks sexy with his new beard (well, it was new last season, or was that the beginning of this season? I can no longer tell since the writer's strike interrupted everything) . Anyway, tune in this Thursday for dinner parties and sexy beards. If you've never watched The Office, get the DVD's of the first three seasons and catch up! If you like my blog you will love The Office. Now that is a ringing endorsement!

Since I have no witty letter to post today (at least not yet...) here are some things that might entertain you this morning:

• Expressions by Ree the Pioneer Woman. Ree is one of my favorite bloggers right now. Her posts are funny, her photos are great, and she has some darn good recipes - just ask M. He has been amazed by my cooking lately and most of it is thanks to Ree!
• Spacesuit or swimsuit? That is the question posed by this article on forecast earth. Maybe it could be called the "Highlight those genitals" suit?
• Ewww - how dirty is your cell phone? Mine isn't too bad because I almost never use it. But here's an interesting video about all the bacteria living on your mobile device. The guy in the blue and white striped shirt is kinda cute, in a slightly dorky way. The bathroom scene reminds me of someone in my office... what's growing on his phone? Yucky!
• Maybe weekends off from my blog are a good thing (even though I have yet to earn any money from this blog..) Be careful how much you blog!
• One last thing, my new favorite digital scrapping site is Scrap Orchard. They've been having some 'freebee' giveaways the past week and some challenges to celebrate their grand opening. I did a few layouts this weekend to participate and plan to do another one tonight. Check out the gallery and see if you can find my lovely postings. I even used human subjects instead of my favorite furries.

Lists was the March NaBloPoMo theme. Not only is April kicking my butt, I am reverting to March. Oh well, I am allowed a few crazy days a month, right?

Shameful...

To the local cosmetic surgery place:

I heard your advertisement on the radio the other morning. I am disgusted by your new target: sensitive parents who worry their child may not be a beauty queen or the best looking boy in class.

Yes, some children need cosmetic surgery to correct some kind of deformity (birth, accident-related, etc.), however this not what you speak to in your commercial. You instead tell parents that they can get their children "fixed" and "pageant ready" and they can now do it as early as 2 months old. I shudder to think of the parent who hear this commercial, look at their baby lying in his or her crib, and thinks, "hmm, you could look better... let's get you ready for those pageants!"

The parents who would take advantage of your services just to pretty up their child also disgust me, however, local cosmetic surgery place, you are perpetuating the problem by advertising the way you do.

I hope that due to your poor choice and tactless advertising that your business drops. I hope you never get a 2 month old child in your office because they are not "pageant ready." I hope you feel ashamed.

Sincerely,
LilSeed

Alert, Alert! I registered my CELL PHONE!!

Dear Coworker,

When our boss sent out an email proclaiming everyone must register their cell phones with the no call list or they would be plagued by telemarketers I tried to do the responsible thing by finding the accurate information and providing the information to said boss. Little did I know that it would be forwarded to the entire office and you would go into panic mode.

Coworker, I sincerely regret ever sending out accurate information that is beyond your comprehension. I did not realize that it would result in a ten minute phone call trying to explain to you that no, it does not matter if you did register your cell phone with the no call list, you just don't have to.

No, the email originally sent out by our boss is not a hoax, per se. It is a mass hysteria email that got started when the mention of a national cell phone directory got out. This caused people to think, "Oh no! My cell phone number will be published and every telemarketer in the world will call me at dinner time!" This started the emails, but what the email doesn't tell you is that you need to opt-in to the cell phone directory. Without opting in, your cell phone is not going to be published and those telemarketers will not be able to reach you because you know what? They won't have your number!!

Please refer to these websites that I conveniently included in the email bossman forwarded and you apparently did not check out before panicking and calling me: Federal Trade Commission: The Truth about Cell Phones and the National Do Not Call Registry and Snopes.com: Celling Your Soul.

"But LilSeed," you say, "you are the queen of all knowledge." I know dear coworker, and the ten minute call this afternoon probably would not have bothered me if you didn't make similar calls to me at least three times a week about everything under the sun.

Perhaps sometime we could sit down and I could give you a lesson or two on who to call when and how to do some 'net research yourself. Give me a call some time and we can set that up. Or on second thought, don't call me - I will call you.

Sincerely,
LilSeed

Mother Freak Out

Dear Mom,

Please do not leave a voice mail on my cell phone saying you will email if you're not going to email. I waited for three days to get your email and nothing came. Then, you called me at work. You've never called me at work before - not in my entire life. Needless to say, my heart jumped into my throat and in the two seconds it took for the receptionist to transfer your call to my phone a dozen possibilities ran through my mind. Did dad's prostate cancer come back? Did grandpa have a heart attack? Was J. in a car accident? Plus a bunch of others. And what did you call for? To see if I would like for you and dad to buy me a plane ticket to come visit this summer. Hell yeah, you can buy me a plane ticket! But did you have to give me a minor coronary event at the same time?

Sure, I could have emailed you, but you said you would email me. Sure, I could have given you a phone call, but I hate, hate, hate talking on the phone. Please, next time just leave a more detailed message or email me!

Love,
LilSeed

Standard Equipment

Dear Fellow Drivers,

Did you know your car comes with some amazing standard equipment? From my road time experiences, it is obvious some of you do not. Let me introduce you to this little beauty: the turn signal. You might also know the turn signal as "blinkers," "flashers," "indicators," or "that little stick sticking out of the steering wheel."

Since this has been included on cars since the 1920's in some form or another, your car should be equipped with a turn signal. Did you know that this little device will let the other drivers around you that are not clairvoyant know when you are going to make a turn! Wow!

Since most vehicles have this handy dandy feature sticking out of the left side of the steering column all you need to do is reach over there and give it a little push to activate it when you feel like making your vehicle go right or left. Once activated, lights will flash on the front and the back of your vehicle so those other drivers around you will know you are going to turn. NOTE: you will also see little flashy arrows on your dash, so you too will know you are turning!

This means when we both stop at a four-way stop and I am waiting for you to go straight because of lack of turn signal, you could reach down and flip that sucker on and I would know you are going to turn and not go straight!

Also, at the pesky two-way stop on my way home that crosses a major highway, I've seen a plethora of fellow drivers make left turns without bothering to use their turn signal. Perhaps you just didn't know that your care is equipped with this handy dandy device? Well, in any case, you do have one, so please, to avoid a good number of accidents that occur at this particular intersection, reach over there and flip that sucker on! Your left turn needs not be a secret any more!

I know that the use of your turn signal may interrupt other driving activities, such as smoking, applying makeup, eating, etc., but it would be such a huge favor to me if you would just use that darn thing, especially now that I have written to make you aware of this standard equipment on your vehicle. For further reference, you could always pull your vehicle's manual out of your glove box, or contact your vehicle's manufacturer.

Sincerely,
LilSeed

April NaBloPoMo - Letters

The NaBloPoMo theme for April is letters - interpreted however you please. I think this is going to be a bit easier for me than the lists theme. I've never been a big list maker...

This Week's Ruminations

Here's some random thoughts from this week:

• How can I sleep for 12 hours and still be tired?!
• Did my boss drink the water during his recent trip to South America? (unfortunately my office is stationed near the bathroom)
• Does M. realize when he decides to spend extra time in bed it affects my getting to work on time? (he will love, love, love that I posted this)
• Our apple juice tastes kind of funky
• Cly needs some mushy cat food to stop the hairballs
• How I loathe grocery shopping - such a necessary evil
• When I go home sick the office should not call me repeatedly (I was sleeping)
• Cly was especially grumpy this morning - almost took my hand off when I tried to keep him from eating my library book
• People need to quit road raging - I drive 60 mph in the 70 zone because it is better for my gas mileage. Didn't you notice gas prices are outrageous?! (Plus, I need my average mph to be better than M.'s - it a marital war thing)
• I need to find some time this weekend to write a brief play (Meeting Mayhem)

Cafeteria Colloquy

I had lunch with a friend from college today. My friend is very high energy and could probably talk nonstop. She can exhaust me without my having to do anything! I don't have to add much to a conversation since she is very chatty. Here's a list of topics we discussed today (or she talked at me):

• how hectic her job is
• how things are same old same old around here
• items she needs to purchase before she and her husband get a referral (they are adopting)
• Russia
• upcoming primary elections
• some guy she works with that is so democratic he almost lost a finger last year
  
• twins
• M.'s job
• job raises
• her trainee from Egypt
• next week's lunch
  

Deconstructing a Psychopath

M. and I are watching the first season of Dexter on Netflix. (You can also catch the toned down version of season 1 on CBS.) We've watched five episodes so far and I am really liking this show. Things I like about Dexter:

• Dexter's early life before his foster parents the Morgans took him in is a mystery
• Dexter's job is to interpret blood splatters at crime scenes
• Dexter is played by Michael C. Hall who I first enjoyed in Six Feet Under on HBO
• For his entire life, Dexter has been learning how to act normal and fit in with general society
• Harry Morgan, Dexter's adoptive father, was a cop and recognized Dexter's urge to kill early
• Harry taught Dexter to be "normal" and to use his psychopathology for good (only killing the "bad" guys)
• Dexter's sister Deb is one tough cookie (and also a cop)
  
• I love psychological thrillers and this gives me a one hour dose each time I watch it
• The show has a cool theme song

Reality TV

I admit to watching a bit too much tv, but hey, I enjoy it! Today I caught up on the newest season of one of my favorite reality shows, Top Chef. So today I am doing a list of my favorite reality tv shows, in no particular order:

1. Top Chef on Bravo
2. Survivor on CBS
3. The Apprentice on NBC
4. Trading Spaces on TLC
5. The Amazing Race on CBS
6. Flipping Out on Bravo
7. The Girls Next Door on E!
8. The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency on Oxygen
9. Janice and Abbey on Oxygen
10. The Mole on ABC
11. Mythbusters on Discovery Channel
12. Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica on MTV
13. Tori and Dean: Inn Love on Oxygen
14. What Not To Wear on TLC

I do not follow all these shows all the time, but have watched them all at least for one season and enjoyed them. I really didn't think my list was going to be this long, but I reviewed the list of reality shows at Reality TV World and wow, there are a lot out there!

That Coworker

You know, that coworker. The one that just seems to dig a little under your skin for a day. I had one of those today. Luckily, it was a short day for Good Friday. Here's some things said coworker does to just nibble away at the very subcutis of my being:

1. the skin-tight clothes
   
2. many, many layers of makeup
3. jingle, jangly jewelry
4. exclamations of "I simply cannot do another thing"
5. the angry foreign language speak
6. the loud, obnoxious laugh I can hear all the way down the hall
7. high heels all the time
8. starting late several mornings in a row
9. too much cleavage for work
10. emails that always seem a little too accusatory

I really do like all the people who are currently working at my office, but you know, some days some people are just too much, especially for someone like me who generally does not belong in the general public.

Picture list of my kitties

Random Work Day Thoughts

1. I wish it would quit raining
2. I'm tired of printing everything for someone who wants a paperless office
3. How many times can I send the same email to someone before he reads it?
4. I wish the Art Institute would quit calling me
5. I know someone who could really use this parenting video
6. How much should you let your personal life affect your work?
7. Just because someone says nothing can be done right now doesn't mean they're not working on the problem
8. Your false cheerfulness makes me gag
9. I hope she's okay and doesn't feel obligated to work all day
10. What is a mechanical pizza?
11. If there was a mechanical pizza, what would be the word for wanting to poke your eye out with it?
12. Don't beg people to do something like you've asked a million times before if this is the first time you are asking
13. I'm glad in a financial crunch we're worried about the things that matter - like making sure bookshelves in the front office match...
14. Why won't glue stick work on the envelopes?
15. Is it time to go home yet?!

I do like my job, but today was not the best of days...

I want to get away with a AAA Getaway!

My workplace bought the entire office pizza for lunch today because the rain just has not stopped and it is miserable outside. So I stayed in for lunch with a handful of coworkers and did not read (I was looking forward to finishing Stray this afternoon, but anyway...)

I'm not sure if I took my full hour or not, so I decided to take a mini-break from my work this afternoon. I had received an email from AAA about various getaway packages they offer. I thought that was cool. M. and I never go anywhere, so I thought I'd check them out. So I scrolled down the list and found a few I wanted to read more about, but when I click on the specific package I get this:

Error
The reservation service is being currently being
upgraded.
No member name.

Figures! So here is a list of AAA Getaways I would be pursuing right now if I wasn't getting, "Error! Error! No Getaway for you!" (Makes me think of that robot from Lost in Space that would wave his springy arms around and bleep "Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson!")

• Escape to Alcatraz (I just watched The Rock this weekend!)


• Medieval Times


• Los Angeles or New York Show Package - Wicked (great book, would love to see the play)


• Wild San Diego


• Big Apple Adventure (with its museums, theaters, and parks this sounds right up M.'s alley... um, yeah riiight!)


• Terra Cotta Warriors: Guardians of the First Emperor


• The Southern Way of Savannah


• The Emerald City (would love to stop in on a friend while on the west coast)

A coworker told me today I hadn't been very snarky on my blog lately. I think I'm all snarked out for now - maybe the rain washed away my snark?

Another Quickie

Just a quick list to stay in the NaBloPoMo running for March lists! Here are the crafty blogs I enjoy and keep track of in my Google Reader:

1. Digital Candy
2. fertilepress
3. Laughing Lion Design
4. Pineapple Plantation
5. Racketty Scrappety
6. Scrap Big
7. SpragueLab
8. Sugarplum Paperie

Stations of the Cats

5:00 AM: begin food incursion by knocking things off nightstands and dressers, jumping on sleeping people and meowing very loudly

6:35 AM: continue food incursion by pacing around the bathroom, make attempt to get into the shower and get all wet

6:45 AM: chow down!

6:50 AM: bath time

6:55 AM: litter box diversion

7:00 AM: hide and seek behind the quilt on the bed

7:05 AM: nap time...

12:00 PM: ... still napping

2:00 PM: get all the toys out and spread them around the house

2:15 PM: more napping

3:15 PM: bath time

4:45 PM: people arrive home, time for another food incursion with loud meows and running under foot

5:00 PM: 2nd chow down!

5:15 PM: retire to various sleeping places - the futon, under the bed, etc.

5:20 PM: bath time and napping

7:00 PM: 3rd food incursion begins...

9:45 PM: final chow down!

9:55 PM: bath time, general playtime

10:30 PM: avert people's attempts to capture and contain

11:00 PM: have free run of the house

11:05 PM - approx. 2:00 AM: unknown activities

2:00 AM: join the people on the bed, nap time

4:45 AM: prepare for 1st food incursion of the day...